My PND Story; post natal depression and four babies

I didn’t think that I had post natal depression, I thought I just sucked at being a mum. The story of my post natal depression isn’t a one time thing. It is spread out over four babies and is still with me in the back of my mind, like a little hitch hiker who will never leave. But instead of taking over the steering wheel of my mind, she now sits in the back of the flat bed, I can see her in my rear view mirror, but she’s very tiny and well behaved now.

I was 25, and living in Australia on a tourist visa when I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. My boyfriend, quickly became my husband, we quickly moved back to Canada and we quickly found ourselves expecting parents to be, living and working day to day, much different than the party, very relaxed lifestyle we were living, only moments before.

Looking back, I can see that is when my anxiety and depression was starting. The small hitch hiker had jumped into my truck bed without me knowing it.

We had Travis in 2010, and even though I loved him with all my heart, and I had never experienced anything so amazing in my whole life as having a baby and becoming a mum, I was toppling over with anxiousness and worry. I wasn’t sad. I was scared. Not knowing exactly what to do turned to anger. First time mum worries turned me over protective and I felt I could never be the person that I had been again. I turned inward, and pushed everyone away. On the outside I seemed stressed but OK. On the inside I was a mess.

I had no idea what was going on. I blamed everything on Wayne and cursed this new life I was in. What had happened to me?!

There were breastfeeding struggles, mastitis, I was healing from a horrible labour and c section. These were all hurdles, but mainly I was scared and thought I had to do it all, and be it all, and that I had to be the best. People had babies everyday, how hard could it be right? Why was I having such a hard time coping? I must just suck!I

I kept the wheels on enough to make it by. I started to get better. My body was better. My mind was better. I was getting better at trusting my instincts and blocking others out. We moved to Australia.

Then we decided to have another baby. One more. We wanted them to be close. I was fine. That was just a hard first baby, but this time I would be great.

Half way through the pregnancy I freaked out. Major. Way more than once. My little hitch hiker was back, and a bit bigger this time. I became a super control freak. I wasn’t sad , but I had the patience of a temper tantruming toddler.

After Jett was born in 2011, I had a slow recovery. I had a long labour and when Jett was coming out, he got stuck, and although the midwife was able to reach in and pull him out, you can imagine how that left my poor vagina. (Rips and tears are the absolute worst!).

I felt OK, although I now know I wasn’t. I was just OK enough to keep going. After the 3 month mark, the wheels came off. Two kids under 2 took its toll, combined with missing family and friends from home, and being so far away from everything that felt normal.

My anger was back, this time it was also turning towards the kids. You can’t imagine how guilt ridden you feel for being angry at a baby until you do. It is the worst. The hitch hiker was grabbing at the wheel and turning up the music way too loud.

That time I was able to get help. I went on anti depressants after weeks of tossing up and down weather to or not. There are two huge hurdles when you are depressed. One; realising and admitting to yourself that you are. Two; doing something about it. I struggled with both of these for a lone time, and to be honest, I still do.

I took the meds and I saw a psychologist. I got a little better. The medication helped me a lot. It took the edge off of my anger and gave me time to readjust my thoughts before blowing my top. I believe you need three things to get better; chemical help, mental help, and emotional help. The anti depressants helped a lot. However the mental help was not the best. Post natal depression was not my psychologist’s strong suit and I eventually pulled away from her. The hitch hiker had been pushed back a bit more.

I was doing much better. Then we conceived baby number three while on the pill. We moved again.

These pregnancies were the farthest apart out of all of them. I had truly started to feel great again. This pregnancy was better but there were still major signs of antenatal depression. I was in a really great antenatal program and I was positive that this time, this baby, I would not get post natal depression. How could I? It’s my third baby, I got this shit in the bag!

Wrong! Perinatal anxiety and depression can strike any time and anywhere, no matter how many babies you have, or how awesome you think you are. Hello hitch hiker.

I was doing great after Felix was born in 2013. Until I wasn’t. He was born in July and by November my mind truck was missing two wheels and my hitch hiker had moved into the passenger seat. It was the holiday season, and as someone living abroad, I always find this time of year a bit more mentally taxing.

The absolute lowest I have ever been was on December 10 2013. By then the hitch hiker had completely taken over and I was just a crumble of myself, flailing around in the back, My thoughts were crazy, and were not my own. I couldn’t handle the day to day. I couldn’t calm down enough to think. I wanted and needed to get away. That day I called Wayne and told him I was going to leave and that he would have to raise the kids without me, because I was a horrible person and parent and I was not meant to have kids.

That was the dark time. The hitch hiker was in complete control.  I am a lucky one. I had the emotional support. I had my mum over the phone and my husband in person, and they rallied me to get help. I couldn’t admit I needed it, but I forced myself to seek it, as a last try before leaving.

I found an amazing post natal depression specialist, who I still see to this day for on going mind check ups. I can not say enough how helpful she was and is. I took back the wheel from my hitch hiker.

I went through a great pnd support group, which was a safe haven and where I finally admitted I was sick. Move to the back seat hitch hiker.

I went back on anti depressants to get back on track, I was on the road again, the hitch hiker was way in the back and then…

I got pregnant with baby number 4. It turns out that Wayne and I are super fertile.

I would love to say that everything was perfect after that, but it wasn’t.

Hitting your lowest part ever and then climbing your way to the top again is a huge feat. To then be faced with the possibility of falling down that cave again, stops you in your tracks. It is scary and nerve racking.

Luckily I kept seeing my great psychologist, and we set up mental checks and put plans into place so that I could try to avoid my hitch hiker from taking over again.

You become very aware of your thoughts and feelings after you tackle depression and anxiety, almost too aware, so that with the slip of my mood, I was booked in to make sure I was OK. There were highs and lows but nothing like before.

After the birth of Charli, I was back in for appointments right away. I kept them up. I worked on my thinking. I had moments for sure, very close long moments where I thought I was back in the truck bed and my hitch hiker was driving wildly again, but they were just bad days.

Charli has just turned one, and although I won’t admit to being in the clear, I will say that nothing has come even close to how I struggled over the past years with pnd.

Having various types of depression and anxiety over the last 6 years of my life has been exhausting, but also a huge learning curve. I am proud that I am here today and am the person I am today. I am grateful for everything I have been given in this life. I am eternally grateful for my husband and friends and family members who have stayed by me and supported me, and checked in on me and kept me going. I am a different person than I was 6 years ago, that’s for sure.

I am trying to take my experiences and share them as much as possible and normalise perinatal depression and anxiety so that others aren’t afraid to get help, or speak up or question their scary thoughts.

Like I said before there are two very hard parts of depression and anxiety. One is realising that you need help and admitting it to yourself. The other is doing something about it. But you have to do both. It is so worth it.

In the moment, those dark times were embarrassing and I felt I was ruining my life and the life of those around me. Now I can look back and see how strong I was and thankful that I am better now. I remember the bad times, but they are not the highlights of my previous years. Instead my kids’s first steps, their smiles, and all the good times are highlighted.

I am nowhere near perfect. I have bad days and sometimes I slip. The difference is now I don’t deny that my brain may be lying to me.

With the recent passing of my dad, I have had to check my mind and my thoughts regularly and have had to reach out for help more than ever. And it is saving me.

That is the very short version of my pnd.

If you want to share your story on my blog, I am more than happy to have it. If you need someone to talk to please reach out. You will be surprised how many people are going through similar things.

~ Megan

If you are struggling or know someone who is, or maybe you just want to have a mental check up, please contact your doctor or try some of the very helpful links below.

Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia         http://www.panda.org.au/

Depression and Anxiety Australia                          https://www.beyondblue.org.au/

Sunshine Coast Psychology clinic                           http://www.sunshine-coast-psychology.com.au/

(photo source: Pexels)