Following up from my post earlier this week about how to NOT know if someone has pnd, is a more serious post that I wrote about post natal depression over a year ago, when I had come out the other side of one of the worst times of my life.
When you hear the word Depression, you probably think of someone crying, feeling sorry for themselves, hiding out, no fun to be around, and that they should just get over it already. When you hear the word Post Natal Depression, you probably think of the above but attached to a sad looking, frumpy mummy who just needs to snap out of it, why is she being so selfish, she has a beautiful baby in her arms. You may think if she hates this so much then why did she have kids in the first place.
How close am I? Pretty close I would guess, unless you have been there or unless you have been close to someone who has been through depression it is pretty hard to understand it. I know I didn’t.
I went several years with undiagnosed post natal depression because what I was feeling didn’t fit into all those descriptions. I didn’t feel sad all the time, I felt angry and tired, that I was failing. I couldn’t just get over it, because I didn’t even realise what it was.
Post natal depression is a more than sadness and a pity party. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain. It is your mind attacking you, contorting your thoughts with paranoia and fear. It triggers other conditions like OCD and anxiety. You don’t see yourself as needing help, you see yourself as a failure. You don’t seek help, you build a wall up instead and try to hide behind it.
The hardest part about post natal depression isn’t recovery but making it to the point where you can start recovery. Once you seek help you are half way there, but that hurdle between feeling like you are going insane and realising you are sick, is a huge one.
Asking for help does not make you a failure. Having a hard time does not mean you are weak. Not being able to cope does not mean you are lazy or terrible or bad. Most people who finally realise they need help, or who are forced to get help, are amazing, strong, capable people, it’s just something in their brain has been wired wrong and needs to be fixed.
The hardest part for me was accepting I needed help. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and here we are beating ourselves up over the fact we are having trouble doing it alone.
Most people suffering from post natal depression are doing it silently; pretending everything is ok, while the inside is crumbling. What does a mum with post natal depression look like? Just like me and you. She is smiling and laughing. You see her out and about. She is chasing her kids and complaining about the same things as all of us, not enough coffee, bad sleeps, and feeling run down.
So how can you spot a mum with post natal depression? It is hard. There is no sure fire way. PANDA says this about the symptoms of post natal depression on their website www.panda.org.au
The severity of PND depends on the number of symptoms, their intensity and the extent to which they interfere with normal functioning. PND tends to be characterized by a combination of the following symptoms. The combination and severity of symptoms will be different for every woman, resulting in many different appearances of PND.
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Sleep disturbance unrelated to baby’s sleep needs
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Appetite disturbance
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Crying or not being able to cry
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Inability to cope
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Irritability
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Anxiety
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Negative, morbid or obsessive thoughts
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Fear of being alone or fear of being with others
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Memory difficulties and loss of concentration
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Feeling guilty and inadequate
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Loss of confidence and self-esteem
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Thoughts of harm to self, baby or suicide
Some women sum it all up by saying “There is no joy in anything any more”, and “I feel like I have lost myself”.
It is often a partner or friend that will see it first. The world of post natal depression is lonely and guilt ridden. I could not diagnose myself, my husband had to push me in the right direction. Once he did and once I jumped that hurdle, the light at the end of the tunnel has never shone so bright. Now several months on, I realise how bad it had gotten and how thrilled I am to be in recovery.
You don’t have to feel that way. You can feel normal again.
There is so much pressure, (from the media, from ourselves, and from what we think others are thinking), to be Super Mums. They do not exist. We are all just doing the best we can and hoping we raise kids who don’t become murderers.
If you are struggling, even if only a little bit, please seek help. You may just need to vent, or maybe you need more. There is no shame in asking for help, there is only happier times ahead.
Everything I wrote back then, still rings true today.
Cheers, Megan Lovell
Learning to Lovell 